Single by Choice: The Power of Being Content Without a Partner

Those who are single by choice will tell you about the power of being content without a partner. They will also tell you about opposition—overt or covert—to their chosen way of life.

We live in a culture here in the US where matrimony is privileged. This means the customs and norms that organize our society are built around the nuclear family with a monogamous married couple at the center. This has long been the default model in our culture. And there are financial incentives that motivate people to pair up.

Married couples enjoy all kinds of financial benefits: tax breaks, cost sharing, shared access to employment benefits, social security benefits, and even lower car insurance premiums.

This “escalator” version of love—you choose a partner and ride up through the various family life milestones—works for many and feels intuitive for many. But for others, there is a sense that their internal values or goals don’t align with those external norms.

If you’ve chosen single by choice for yourself, or are curious about why people make this decision or if it’s right for you, keep reading. This is a fascinating topic that sheds light on our culture and the many things that can make us happy and whole as humans.

More People are Opting to Be Single By Choice

The data tells us that many people are increasingly rejecting the stereotypical path of romantic partnership and choosing their own path. One which, very often, involves no committed partner at all.

According to research conducted in 2020 from the Pew Research Center, 31 percent of American adults are single and half of them are not looking for a committed relationship or casual dating at the moment. Read that again: millions upon millions of people are content unpartnered.

In some age demographics, the percentage of singles is even higher: about half of men age 18-29 are single and about half of women 65+ are single. This mismatch reflects the trend that men get married later, and that women have more longevity.

The many variations of single

Not all people who are single by choice are alike (of course): they vary widely in their goals and identities. Dr. Peter McGraw author of the forthcoming, Solo, Breaking the Rules Single in a World Built for Two, frequently shares his “Taxonomy of Singles” on his podcast.

His taxonomy provides helpful language to describe the nuances among single people. According to McGraw, singles can locate themselves within these 4 categories (and move among them):

“The Somedays” - those who want to get partnered up and believe in a you-complete-me version of love and partnership.
The “Just Mays” - those who are looking to couple up but it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen.
The “New Ways”- those who bust norms and bend rules. A few examples of convention-busting relationship designs: non-monogamy, polyamory, friends with benefits, platonic partnership, monogamy without living together
The “No Ways” - people who don’t want to date, for now or forever

If you’re a “someday” you’re just stopping through singledom on the way to coupledom. You are single-by-chance and wanting very much to be in a committed romantic relationship. You may feel incomplete as your identity is grounded in a presently-out-of-reach relationship status.

McGraw proposes that the other three categories are notably self-led and self-reliant. If you’re a “just may”, “new way” or “no way”, you feel whole as you are. You don’t need a partner to feel complete and you aren’t waiting for that other puzzle piece. You may want partnership or a version of a relationship but you are equally content being solo. You probably question norms.

McGraw calls the individuals in these three buckets “solos,” and the individuals in the someday bucket “singles,” in an effort to capture the difference in core identity.

Some People Are “Single at Heart”

Bella DePaulo Ph.D., is, a professor of psychology, TedX Lecturer, and leading expert on the single life. She coined the term “single-at-heart” to describe the experience of someone who feels that their most authentic and meaningful life is lived single. In a recent Medium piece, she writes:

“People who are single at heart are far more likely to be solo single people than coupled, but I use the term single ‘at heart’ to let in some people who have romantic partners. (I had to be persuaded.) My wish for the single-at-heart is that you can live your best life, without apology.”

Here, the definition of a single person is stretched to even include people who are within romantic relationships. This highlights how DePaulo conceptualizes “single” as an internal orientation, spirit, and attitude that goes beyond a technical status.

Being Unapologetically Single

Whatever language you prefer, solo, single, single by choice, single at heart, or something else, the choice to be single is one that needs to be honored, respected, and celebrated. DePaulo’s wish for single-at-heart folk to live “without apology” is a response to the stigma and stereotypes that single-by-choice people face.

Solos are regularly asked about their dating life by coupled friends and relatives. It may be well-meaning but it perpetuates the assumption that a single person ought to be in search of something more. That assumption is, at least in part, a product of our cultural conditioning: TV, music, movies, literature, and the media unrelentingly push the escalator narrative, pushing the worthiness of pursuing that one great love.

Yet, despite these social and cultural forces, the number of singles is rising. Single-at-hearters are increasingly choosing their path proudly and dismissing the moral superiority of marriage (they need only cite that 40-50 percent of marriages end in divorce to make that point.) McGraw uses the language “choosing your own adventure” instead of “choosing the fairytale”.

The Many Sources of Contentment for Singles-by-Choice

When securing and maintaining a romantic relationship is not the cornerstone of your life, the world opens up incredible opportunities for how you can spend your time. Time not spent dating is time spent on literally anything else. Travel. Solo parenthood. Work. Art. Friendships. Hobbies. Causes.

We might argue that the world needs single by choice people: they are more likely to give back their time and money to the community and to important causes; to be creative and put art into the world; to provide care for elderly family members.

Here are some of the many ways singles unlock pleasure and fulfillment in their lives and our communities benefit at the same time.

Rich and Diverse Friendships

There are many unique pleasures of the solo life. One powerful source of contentment is the solo person’s ability to choose the right person for each activity rather than defaulting to a romantic partner’s company for all activities.

When you’re married, you typically do most things with your spouse: restaurants, travel, activities. Maybe you even give up parts of your identity because your partner doesn’t match with you in those areas.

Over time, you don’t go to sushi very often because your partner doesn’t eat fish. Or you stopped hiking because your spouse doesn’t hike. In the life of a solo, you can find the friend for sushi, the friend for hiking and the friend for the next new thing you want to try.

You get to nurture many friendships and many hobbies in a deep and meaningful way with the right companion for each.

The Gift of Solitude

On the opposite end of the spectrum from all this highly customized companionship, Solos also have greater access to solitude, defined as the pleasurable, desired state of being alone. Spending time alone is important for many reasons, chief among them, is that solitude fosters personal growth and reflection.

It also enables physical restoration, and allows for creativity to flow. People can experience deep meaning in being alone, and this can be one of the great joys of the single by choice life. It’s important to note that there’s a difference between being alone and loneliness. Loneliness, defined by science writer Lydia Denworth, occurs when there’s a mismatch between the amount of social interaction we have and the amount of social connection we want.

Spouses can experience loneliness, new moms can experience loneliness, families in transition can experience loneliness. Loneliness doesn’t correlate to our relationship status. It is a psychological state that can occur in anyone and has far more to do with the kind of connection we’re feeling in our interpersonal lives.

We all need to feel authentic connection with others to minimize loneliness and maximize joy, but we vary in the amount of connection we need and in the sources that satisfy those needs.

Busting The Attachment Myth

It is true that the human brain is wired for connection. The psychologist Mona Fishbane writes, “Humans are interdependent at all ages” in her book Loving With The Brain in Mind. In fact, it is this social adaptation that has allowed humans to survive for thousands of years, forming bonds, developing empathy, and sharing goals.

However, our need for connection doesn’t mean that we need to connect with others through monogamous long-term relationships or even romantic attachments broadly speaking. Our social and attachment needs are able to be met for some as meaningfully through friends, neighbors, family, work colleagues, community, and yes, even your pets!

In a May/June 2023 article published in Psychotherapy Networker titled “Honoring The Choice to Be Single” Linda Carroll, a therapist, writes:

“I could live happily with a pack of dogs. A fulfilling life doesn’t have to involve marriage or romantic love, or a child. It could involve any passion… I believe we’re born in relationship and heal in relationship but that relationship could be with my supervisor at work, or my friends, or maybe a neighbor I bring soup to.”

Respecting Those Who Are Single By Choice

In a world that privileges pairs, let’s recognize and affirm the power and dignity of those who are single by choice. Let’s celebrate our diversity, learn from the ways solos question norms, and be inspired by the way people who are different than us model authenticity and listen to their inner wisdom.