5 Insightful Blended Family Books for New Stepparents
Blended family books are a great way to learn during a new time that’s new for everyone. It may sound odd—shouldn’t I know how to do this already? But the truth is, first-time families are a start-up and stepfamilies are a merger.
Think about the culture of a startup: enterprising, creative, clumsy; roles, responsibilities, and relationships being formed unconsciously as it progresses. Norms organically become established, shared, and understood.
Now think about a merger. Two fully formed entities with established norms, roles, and expectations have to integrate. This requires planning and negotiation. High levels of compromise and role redefinition are necessary to manage the competing interests of all the parties. Motivations often don’t align. Outcomes can feel unfair.
These processes are very different from one another. This is not to say that stepfamilies don’t achieve the same levels of harmony, connection, and functioning as a first-time family. They can and they do. But the process to get there requires knowledge, effort, and patience.
While this may all be new to you, there are many ways you can prepare for and successfully build and integrate your family—and one of the best ways to learn is through books!
Supporting people along this journey is a passion and focus of mine as a coach and a therapist. That’s why I decided to share my top five favorite books that provide insight on what to expect and how to prepare for an experience that can be both challenging and beautiful.
Stepfamily Therapy: A 10-Step Clinical Approach
By Scott Browning, LMFT, and Elise Arteld
This is the most clinical book on this list of blended family books. I wanted to include it because it is considered “a landmark publication” in the field of psychology. This book helped shape the field’s general thinking about stepfamilies and how to help them.
For example, instead of expecting the whole stepfamily to be able to share goals, this book proposes that a stepfamily is actually made up of many relationship sub-units. Each sub-unit has unique needs and goals that must be thoroughly considered. This book will be valued by anyone—clinician, coach, or stepfamily member—drawn to a more academic-style source.
Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t
By Patricia L. Papernow, EdD
This book is easy to read and full of research-based insights and strategies. It provides advice for protecting the couple dynamic, managing co-parenting with an ex, and thinking about the challenges of integrating children with a new stepparent.
Dr. Papernow is considered the leading expert on stepfamilies and this book ties together four decades of her experience as a psychologist working with this population.
The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family
By Patricia L. Papernow EdD and Karen Bonnell, MS
Karen Bonnell is a post-divorce co-parenting coach and she joins forces with Papernow on this easy-to-read book geared for the general public (not clinicians). This book pays much more attention to the early stages of dating and getting serious than some of the other blended family books. I love the guidance on re-entry into dating and dating as a parent.
It’s a great step-by-step map for people finding themselves at various stages of relationship change: post-divorce, beginning dating, beginning blending etc. Keep it on hand if you’re moving through these stages.
Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart
By Gary Chapman, PhD, and Ron L. Deal, MMFT
If you love the Love Language framework that was created by Gary Chapman, then this book will fit in seamlessly with your existing thinking toward relationships. Chapman and Deal guide you through the ways that the five love languages can help soften tough transitions. This book will help you think about how each person in the step-family system has a preference for how they want to be shown love by others. This is so important when seeking to build new relationships and strengthen existing ones. When merging and building a family, understanding the needs and experiences of all the members is key to your happiness—and theirs.
Moms Moving On
By Michelle Dempsey-Multack, MS
Dempsey-Multack has amassed a huge following on social media (@momsmovingon) thanks to her warm and substantive advice for women in all stages post-divorce (single-parenting, co-parenting, dating, blending). Michelle infuses humor, honesty, and vulnerability into her writing while empowering women with clear, sound guidance. This book is for you if you want to feel less alone in what you’re going through. Dempsey-Multack’s voice is that of a wise, relatable friend.
Ease the Transition With These Blended Family Books
When blending a family there are expected challenges and unexpected ones. Finding balance among the competing pushes and pulls of the various family members can feel overwhelming at times. The good news is that you don’t have to find your way in the dark; these fantastic blended family books are grounded in research and they will help shine a light on meaningful strategies and skills that will support your journey.