Talking vs. Dating: The Dance of a New Relationship
What is the difference between talking vs. dating when it comes to the early stages of a new relationship?
To answer this question you have to understand the arc of intimate relationships. A new relationship is a dance between the excitement of not being fully revealed and the longing to be accepted as our real selves.
Talking is engagement at a safe distance; it exists at one end of the spectrum. At the other end of the spectrum is commitment, partnership, and maybe sharing your life together. The perils of self-disclosure (sharing about yourself), intimacy, and possible rejection all lie in between these two stages.
The difference between talking vs. dating—and the wild ride of commitment—may not seem all that significant, but there are some key differences to consider as you start to connect with someone new. Let’s take a closer look at the stages and how you can navigate each one.
The First Stage: Talking
Talking, meaning the texting or chatting stage that precedes a one-on-one face-to-face date, is the first stage in the developmental process of dating. This is also the least emotionally-staked stage—in other words, little is revealed and little is risked.
On the contrary, this is when you get to advertise yourself as an idealized version of the real thing. This stage matters because it engages your intuition in a brief but important discernment process about whether to advance to the dating phase. The biggest trap of the talking phase is never moving out of it.
Getting stuck in this stage with one or more people is a common experience in the age of online dating apps, social media DMs, and text messaging. However, the feeling of safety and distance that you feel when just “talking” with someone is at odds with what needs to come next when dating: exploring a connection with someone.
That exploration of connection lies in the here-and-now of being together face-to-face. Talking is a necessary beginning point, but dating is the only way to access true information.
The Second State: Dating
In the realm of talking vs. dating, an actual in-person date is much higher stakes because it reveals more of who you are—and who they are:
Whether you’re on time or late
How you talk to the waiter
What shoes you choose to wear
What you elect to share about yourself
All of this is real, raw information about who you are. It’s harder to hide when you’re out in plain sight.
From One Date to Dating
Not all dates turn into dating, but recent research offers insight into why this happens for some. Couples who experience “bio-synchronization”, defined as “the matching of affective states and biological rhythms” feel in tune with each other. This synchronization happens at the level of body language (and even breath), as well as the ability to coordinate social and verbal cues.
A high level of bio-synchronization typically leads to date #2 and is responsible for generating that spark or compatibility feeling. Let’s say you’re onto date 4, 5, or 6. A baseball game, a restaurant dinner, a walk in the park. What is the complex emotional process underpinning these fun, playful outings together?
There is an exchange of communication that goes like this: You share something about yourself and the other person receives it and offers something in return. This exchange repeats and repeats, and bit by bit, you feel closer.
“Explore-understand-join” is the terminology used by interpersonal neurobiologist Dan Siegal in his works to describe this uniquely human experience of collaborative communication.
In dating, each person cautiously opens the doorway into their inner world, to the place where their hopes, dreams, values, goals, wounds, and fears all reside. The more you self-disclose, the more vulnerable you become.
With this vulnerability, attachment grows. So too does the parallel risk of heartbreak. “The process of feeling anxious and vulnerable and finding that another can and will respond is the basic building block of love” writes Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, in her book, Love Sense.
The Third Stage: From Dating to a Budding Relationship
As the connection deepens, a couple enters a more serious stage of their relationship. Often this entails deciding as a unit to be “together,” “exclusive,” or “committed.” As a pair, you’ve probably had a conversation that at least touches on long-term goals and each of you feels confident that their goals are aligned.
Relationship psychologists suggest that a developing relationship between two committed people progresses through several identifiable stages. In her book, Loving Bravely, Alexandra Solomon, PH.D., labels the 3 stages “early idealization,” “the fall-from-grace,” and “integration”.
Let’s break this down into experiences that may sound familiar to you.
1. Early idealization
In this phase of dating, you begin seeing the other as a soulmate, totally unique. It’s an amazing time in a relationship; some may even call it the “honeymoon phase.” These feelings are very hormone-driven. You may experience it as euphoria or feeling obsessed with the other person.
What you may not realize is that you’re actually now mirroring and attuning to one another to a high degree. You’re also subconsciously hiding or minimizing your personal needs. You exist to meet the other person's needs. You’re feeling lust, passion, and novelty.
2. Fall-from-Grace
This is the phase when the music abruptly stops. It’s when the other person’s flaws and imperfections pierce through the fantasy veil in many different ways. Maybe they get something stuck in their teeth or say the wrong thing to your parents. You realize they’re human, after all. Perhaps you begin to discover that they can’t read your mind or maybe you sense that their goals and values may not be totally aligned. You become aware of your own needs and that sometimes they don’t get met.
When miscues and mis-attunements occur you wonder, “How could I have gotten this so wrong?”
3. Integration
If you continue on, having survived the crisis of the fall-from-grace phase, you’ll enter the next phase: integration. This is when both partners hold onto what they cherish and admire about each other while also accepting each person’s humanity. You accept that differences will always exist and you shift toward valuing attachment and dependability as the novelty and lust from the honeymoon phase grows more mild.
Dr. Mona Fishbane, a well-known couples therapist, and author, says in her book Loving With the Brain in Mind, that passionate romantic love yields to a more integrated, “companionate” love somewhere between 18 months and 3 years. This is a great reminder that a relationship continues to change over time, starting with the early talking vs. dating evolution and continuing to develop and deepen from there.
Talking vs. Dating: The Dance of Intimacy
This dance of dating unfolds over time and can’t be rushed. What starts with talking, attraction and longing moves into dating and potentially, a long-term, loving relationship that fulfills you in new and exciting ways. Everyone's dance looks different, but understanding the sequence of talking vs. dating and the subsequent stages in the dating process can help you navigate your romantic journeys with more clarity and confidence.
Sources
Zeevi, L., klein Selle, N., Kellmann, E.L. et al. Bio-behavioral synchrony is a potential mechanism for mate selection in humans. Sci Rep 12, 4786 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-08582-6
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2005). Parenting from the inside out. Jeremy P Tarcher.
Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. First edition. New York, Little, Brown and Company
Solomon, A.H. (2017). Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
DeKoven Fishbane, M. (2013). Loving with the brain in mind: Neurobiology and couple therapy. New York, NY: Norton & Company
The Brain in Love; Ted Talk by Dr. Helen Fisher