5 Ways Your Friend Group Can Help You Through A Big Life Transition
Friendships are one of the most important sources of belonging in our lives. In fact, the presence of a friend group has been shown in studies to improve health outcomes and increase longevity. Lydia Denworth, a renowned friendship researcher and author, describes how isolation and a lack of social support lead to stress on the body and even affect the rate at which our cells age.
For anyone going through an uncertain time or facing a life transition, a friend group can be a meaningful source of support. The trick is, to access this support, we have to first, consciously, open ourselves to it.
That may sound like a silly first step, but it’s both common and normal for people to struggle to ask for help or receive it. You may have noticed that our culture glorifies the overly self-reliant “rugged individual.”
Research, however, shows that people who approach adversity with an individualistic mindset don’t fare as well as those who approach adversity with a “relational” mindset, meaning, those who comfortably draw on social support.
Let’s be honest, sometimes the stressors pile up faster than we can count them. A relationship breakup. Caring for an aging parent. A health challenge. The loss of a loved one. Financial insecurity. And many of these often happen all at once.
Assuming you have made the mindset choice to both ask for help when you need it and receive it when it’s provided, here are 5 meaningful ways that your friend group can be a cushion as you find your way.
1. Emotional Support
The most important thing you can do for yourself when feeling overwhelmed with emotion is to engage in what psychologists call “open emotional expression.” This means talking about your feelings with a valued other who will listen and witness with non-judgement. This experience helps you make sense of your feelings and endure them.
When you go through transitions, you feel all kinds of emotions (often many at once) such as fear, anger, sadness, shock, regret, uncertainty, worry, wonder, surprise, and joy. When a friend or group of friends listens, understands, and offers empathic attunement, your nervous system is able to calm itself. This is called co-regulation.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, author and relationship expert, explained in a recent Facebook post that “it’s never our feelings that give us problems. It’s feeling alone in our feelings that sends us into an abyss.” Your friend group can’t take your negative feelings away, but they can reduce the degree to which you feel alone in feeling them, which in turn, helps you feel more safe and secure.
2. Practical Assistance and Problem-Solving
The human brain is wired to be social: you think more creatively and intelligently with other minds. Brainstorming with a friend group is likely to yield more and better options than trying to solve a problem on your own.
In the category of practical assistance and problem-solving, both intimate and casual friends serve distinct and important purposes. Mark Granovetter, a sociologist, proposes that strong ties provide support and weak ties provide a bridge. In other words, your intimate friends are uniquely able to provide the kind of loving support that comes from someone who knows you well, while the wider network will connect you to information and ideas you might miss if you only interacted with intimate friends.
Humans need both these “strong” and “weak” social bonds. While your close friend may be able to go with you to the hospital for a doctor’s appointment or watch your child on short notice, the friendly mom at the playground could have a good tip on a summer camp with early drop-off. A steady stream of social interaction with close and casual friend groups is a smart support strategy during times of difficulty or change.
3. Habit Formation
Sometimes a big life transition requires you to change your habits. Multiple theories on behavior change consider the impact that your social environment has on your habit formation. These theories suggest that our need for “relatedness,” which is a term that describes our need to feel close to and understood by others, is a big motivator when it comes to desired behavior change.
When you’re going through a hard life transition, and need to develop healthy coping mechanisms (new habits, you’re more likely to be successful if your friends share or support those goals.
For example, if you set a goal to move at least once each week, having a friend to walk with makes it easier for you to develop that habit. The sharing of a value (exercise) and goal (once a week) will reinforce the actual task of doing it.
4. Love and Affection
It’s easy to limit the idea of love to a romantic context, but humans need love and affection from a variety of places, people, and ages. Platonic love or friendship love is a necessary part of the human experience. When you limit affection to the romantic realm, you miss out on the connection that comes from platonic affection and you risk becoming touch-starved.
Hugging, locking arms on a walk, rough-housing, sitting together on the sofa, playing sports—there are so many ways that physicality among friends and peers promotes connection, safety, and attachment. A simple hug does so much: it lowers your cortisol levels and reduces pain while telling your brain to release dopamine (responsible for good feelings and motivation) and oxytocin (promotes well-being).
During a major life transition, these moments of affection will help you feel connected and loved.
5. Creating Joy
A friend group can nourish your need for play, fun, laughter, and levity—something that can’t be overlooked during a hard time or life change. In many ways, these positive interactions with friends can act as a shock absorber for some of the stress you may be encountering.
Research shows that daily exposure to small moments of happiness can raise your mood: a happy friend can boost your cheeriness by 9 percent while an unhappy friend can drag you down by only 7 percent. Friends who can reliably create joy in your life are important people to have in your community.
Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Your Friend Group
Life changes are full of uncertainty and ambivalence. Friend groups and peers are uniquely positioned to represent continuity for you, something all humans ache for during so much upheaval. “Some things don’t change,” your brain says to itself, soothingly, when you see those familiar faces next to you, faces that were with you in the before, and faces that are with you now, into the after. Thanks to their love, support, and consistency, you can make it through anything.
Sources
Walsh, F. (1998). Strengthening Family Resilience. Guilford Press
Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The Strength of Weak Ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360-1380
The Handbook of Behavior Change. (2020). In M. Hagger, L. Cameron, K. Hamilton, N. Hankonen, & T. Lintunen (Eds.), The Handbook of Behavior Change (Cambridge Handbooks in Psychology, pp. I-Ii). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Pilossoph; J. Column: Six Reasons You Need Hugs On a Regular Basis. Chicago Tribune Article, Dec 12, 2018